


All the Things You'll Never Know

by lonelylullaby



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Love Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:08:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23680582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelylullaby/pseuds/lonelylullaby
Summary: Dan and Phil haven’t seen each other in over twenty years, but recent life events have Dan reaching out to Phil to tie up loose ends.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	All the Things You'll Never Know

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the song "Dear McCracken" by Bug Hunter

I stuff my bag into the overhead bin and sit down in my seat. I had booked my plane ticket late so I got the middle seat instead of the window seat I usually like much better. I don’t fly often, but I don’t mind it. The man in the window seat on my right looks to be about middle-aged and rather tired. He is opening up his laptop and according to his welcome screen, his name is Daniel Howell. That’s a pretty posh-sounding name. As my eyes pass his hand, I see he is wearing no ring but there is a light indentation that could mean there once was one. Is he divorced? Maybe he’s a widower? I don’t know. I settle down and buckle up.

The pilot comes on and says, “There’s been a delay. We are unsure of how long it will be, but please stay seated and prepared for takeoff.”

I sigh and prepare for the wait. It seems like every time I’m on a plane, a delay of some kind happens. I reach forward and grab the airline magazine from the pocket of the seat in front of me. Opening it to a random page, I take a quick glance across the man and out the window but I don’t see much. As I bring my eyes back to my magazine, I can’t help but glance at the man’s computer screen. I can read his screen so easily from where I am, and even though I know I shouldn’t, I can’t help but look at what he’s writing.

He is writing an email. It begins, _Dear Phil_ , and so far that is all the man has written. He takes a deep breath and begins typing again. I don’t understand the first sentence. It seems humorous though. Something about cat whiskers. Must be an inside joke of some sort. I can tell he is trying to set a vaguely casual tone, not too serious but not silly.

_I hope you’ve been well. I thought I’d write since it’s been a while since we’ve last spoken_ , he wrote. _I’ve been in Houston for a week now. It was a business trip, so I’m used to the travel. Of all the cities I’ve been to though, Houston is not one of my favorites. The last time I was here my business partner got sick, so I spent the majority of the trip going back and forth from our hotel to the office to help him with his work. It was extremely dull. I had expected the trip this time to really drag, and it did for the first few days. But then Anna was at one of the conference meetings I went to. I don’t know if you remember Anna. I guess you never really knew her. But you remember how I knew her, don’t you, Phil?_

I was about to stop reading the man’s email draft because it didn’t seem very interesting, but now I want to know who Anna is. By the way the man keeps writing and rewriting the last couple sentences, I’m guessing that she is someone from his past that he was very much not expecting to see. He must have decided that Phil knows who Anna is because he wrote,

_Anna was there. I was concerned at first, but she was nice and acted as if everything that had happened between us hadn’t. It has been over 25 years since we’ve last seen each other. I guess she just doesn’t hold on to things as long as I do. I guess I should forget about it too. It has been almost 30 years now. Do you still hold onto things that happened so many years ago, Phil? Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who does._

He stops typing and stares at his screen for a minute before deleting those last two sentences. When he begins typing again, he takes a different path.

_Anyway, after the conference she and I went out for dinner to catch up. She’s married. Her husband is a lawyer (ha ha)_

He immediately backspaces the ha ha.

_Her husband is a lawyer and she has three children, the oldest of which just went off to college. I tried to keep her talking about herself, but it wasn’t long before she brought the conversation onto me. So I told her about Samantha. I tried to sugarcoat it, brush it off as if it didn’t matter to me as much as it did. But how do you tell someone that your wife of seventeen years left you for another man and sound happy about it, Phil? Especially when it’s been two years and you’re still feeling so alone without her. She asked me if I was seeing anyone now, but of course I’m not. What person would date a sad, divorced 45 year old man beside other sad, divorced 45 year olds? But if the other sad, divorced 45 year olds are anything like myself, they won’t be out there looking to date anyway._

He stops typing again and rereads what he just wrote. He erases almost the entire paragraph and goes back to talking about Anna’s family. There’s clearly a bit of contempt for Anna in his writing as he describes her three children’s life achievements and how happy she and her lawyer husband are. Whatever happened between the two of them, he seems like he both misses her and can’t stand her. He’s written about two paragraphs when he suddenly deletes it all back to his original first sentence about her family.

_It was nice to catch up with her, I suppose. Our lives are both very different now, and part of me is glad we never worked out. I told her about Samantha and how she took Claire with her. Speaking of Claire, she is fifteen now. I don’t see her often because she and Samantha moved across the country with Kenneth and I travel too often. But I’ve heard from Samantha that she is doing well. I miss them both, and I’m a bit sad I’ll miss Claire growing up, but there isn’t much I can do about it._

 _How are things with you, Phil? I heard about Owen. PJ told me what happened. I would have written you earlier, but PJ told me you wanted some time to yourself and I wanted to respect that. I hate to reopen the wound, but I hope you’re holding up okay. My divorce was hard enough and I can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose the love of your life. It’s so unbelievable how unpredictable life is. There we were thinking we had such amazing lives only to have them taken away from us so quickly._

I can’t help but feel sad for this Phil who I have never even met. This whole email is putting a real damper on things. I consider going back to my magazine and minding my own business, but it doesn’t take long for curiosity to get the better of me. When I look back at Daniel’s email, he has deleted the paragraph back to the “I hope you’re holding up okay,” line.

_I hate to reopen the wound, but I hope you’re holding up okay. And with Emma off at college I hope you’ve found a way to stave off the loneliness. I know what it’s like being lonely._

Again, he deletes his writing back to the “I hope you’re holding up okay,” sentence.

**Author's Note:**

> written in april 2018, left unfinished


End file.
